Melancholy.

Shayad. 

Shayad hai. 

Shayad nahi. 

Soch. Khayal. Kuch Zyada hi.

Aur phir ek choti si chuppi. 

Uss ek chupi mein anginat awaazein. 

Itne saare ki koi ek sunai nahi de raha. 

Yet there is that one voice. 

The voice of reason 

Trying so very hard, nudging it's way ahead 

But. 

But then suddenly getting paralysed under the very weight it carries. 

Under the pathos, the Melancholy. 

Because when did reason ever come to the rescue, ever come to my rescue. 

Bhavandar. 

Shayad hai. 

Shayad nahi. 

Mujhe pata hai mujhe kya kehna hai.

Tumhe samajh nahi aayega.

Tumhe samajh nahi aa raha. 

Tumhe kaise samjhaoon?

Tum.

It's hard, don't you see? 

Can you really not see? 

Do you really not care?

Don't tell me it's not your problem! 

Don't tell me to be ok! 

Don't tell me to be positive! 

What do you know!!

But.

But you're just trying to help. 

You know how much you know. 

You can do as much you can. 

You're trying, I know... I'm sorry 

TRY HARDER!! 

No don't, you've done as much as you could. 

You. 

Khushi. 

Shayad hai. 

Shayad nahi. 

Mein kya karoon? 

Jab har pal aisa lagta hai ki bas aansoon hi toh hain jo sab jaanti hain. 

Mere aansoon. 

Yehi toh rahe hain hamesha 

Yehi toh hain mere bachpan ke sache saathi. 

Sache. 

Kabhi akela nahi chhoda inhone mujhe 

Akela. 

My truest friends. Unfiltered. Un biased. 

Even as my fingers glide on these letters, so do my tears on my cheeks. 

They've always been there.

"But Hey", calls a voice. "You're not the only one going through shit. There are others who are suffering a lot more than you. So Stop This Nonsensical Self Pity!" 

Ok... my mind replies. 

But. 

Blame it on the heart shall we? And maybe just leave it there, all thoughts and emotions...Because why not?

Because that's so much easier than having to explain. 

Explain why I feel helpless 

Explain why I lie breathless on the floor. Crying. Aching. Pleading for it to stop. 

My volcano is only growing, steadily but with full intention. How do I stop it? 

MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP.

I'M GOING TO EXPLODE... MY BODY ! 

MY BODY CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. 

I CAN'T BREATH, CAN'T SCREAM ANY LOUDER INTO MY PILLOW.

EVERYTHING HURTS.. MY BONES! 

Please? 

Pyaar 

Shayad hai.

Shayad nahi.

 

Khud Se... Kisi Aur Se?

Hai! Bohot hai. Par dara hua hai. 

Thak gaya hai

Thitur raha hai

Daant raha hai 

Maafi maang raha hai

Azaad hona chahta hai 

Khushi Chahta hai ... 

Kaise Doon? 

"Love yourself if you want others to love you" 

"If you don't do something about your issues nothing will change" 

"Why are you not doing anything about it?" 

"Don't be such a pessimist" 

"Don't stress" 

"Don't think in that manner"

"Don't" !

"Just be yourself"

"Why are you behaving like this?" 

"You are wasting your life"

"Be proactive" 

"Make an effort" 

"Just throw your stress out of your head"

"Why do you think so much?" 

- Everyone. Since ever. 

Most love me, and say it out of concern... because they see something in me that I never could. 

Because I'm somehow important to them. Why? How? When did that happen! 

Am I ungrateful towards these people? 

Am I being an utter disappointment because I can't seem to follow advice, and that it only makes me feel that the other person has expectations that I will never be able to meet!  

Of course I know all this. In theory. But my body doesn't want to listen to my mind. 

And my mind doesn't want to listen to me. 

Am I weak? Am I blowing up my problems in my mind, or are they really there? 

Am I overthinking things? Or is it true that my time right now is simply, not good. 

Do I truly deserve love? 

Love. 

Umeed

Shayad hai.

Shayad nahi. 

Khud se, kisi aur se. 

But then what else is there. Hope and the will to move on, make a better life for yourself. 

But why is my mind paralysed to everything that makes sense, everything I already know... Everything I want to be. 

I. 

"Hold on love. It will Pass" 

- My 11 year old self to me, 20 years ago. 

But.  

Mountain Whisper

There is a laugh, there is a tear,
and then there is all that's in between 
There is a moment, there is a thought, 
and then there is a lifetime unexplored. 

There is a mountain whisper, sealing the momentous laugh and the thoughtful tear. The whisper suddenly halts and narrates a poem, from my own mind, to me... 


The mountain whisper, is my best friend, 
as the story it narrates takes me to me. 
The mountain whisper is a flirtatious one, 
it makes me chuckle, it makes me blush, 
it makes me fall in love, all over again. 

My soul trails many paths, seeking the mountain whisper that knows it all. Seeking that mountain whisper which is but a reflection of 'I'. 

There is a hum, there is a tune
and then there is a ditty 
There is a letter, there is a verse
and then there is a living ballad

The ballad breathes my life, feeds on me. It sleeps my dreams and then makes me forget who I am. 

"It's there, it's all there" cries the desperate ballad, then absorbing the mountain whisper, it finds a nook, where they both retire, waiting for the sunrise, waiting for their meaning, waiting... for Me! 

I Am a Critic... I Am God!

Let me start with an obvious vent, I have been meaning to write this since a Very.Long.Time and yes, another obvious is that I'm pretty frustrated. 

Why! Just why do some people think that by belittling someone / some place and trying to prove a (invalid) point, they are geniuses? That by bashing someone and their service, whatever kind that might be, it makes them somehow 'cool' ? 

I have been helping manage a restaurant and a BnB for sometime now and have also, in the past worked for an organization that markets some of the best boutique properties in the country, individually run by respected and acclaimed personalities. It appals me to see the kind of ludicrous verbal diarrhoea that sadly creeps and grips some people's immune system, or in this regard, their brains, as they go about writing all sorts of nonsense while claiming to be critics.

Let me elaborate on my point here. I am not, on any account, trying to dismiss those who share their inconvenient experiences on social media platforms, and other review based platforms as it is their right to do so. My problem is, when some people just blindly start saying things that are not even true, only because somehow their ego was hurt, or because simply, that makes them feel like they are 'critics'. Why do these people think that they know everything? How can someone walk into a place and then start using fancy jargon's against that place, meanings of which they obviously don't know as those jargon's don't even fit the place / service. What proved this point to me was this - while going through a few ridiculous reviews of our restaurant and our BnB (at different times and on different platforms), I was infuriated yet inquisitive at the same time. Inquisitive because I wanted to see if we are the only ones getting all the love or if there are others who experience this as well. To satiate my curiousness, I went on to read reviews of other restaurants and properties and bang on, this was a real epidemic. I have come across such nasty, baseless reviews of so many different places that provide one service or another as some of us tend to think that just because one has paid for the service, one is almost entitled to say whatever, whenever and wherever.  I came across some of the most respected and well established places bearing the brunt of having hosted a few crazy heads. What bothers me is, that this number is not 'few' any more. I strongly believe that 1 experience cannot define the credibility of a place that runs on a constant basis.

I mostly write about what I have experienced first hand and would like to go one step ahead, to try and understand (if possible) as to why the number of self proclaimed critics is increasing, and in such large volumes. And this is not just for the hospitality sector. One can witness this in almost every sector that provides some kind of service. In fact, it has almost become a competition, of who can ridicule someone the most. Yes, it is a known fact that the service industry in general is treated like trash in India, but isn't there anything that can be done to combat this? The only reasons that come to my mind are lack of perspective, patience, sensitivity and a basic sense of awareness. Where on one hand social media and the internet at large has brought us perks galore, it has also taken away a basic sense of gratitude, or that's what I feel.

If I were to have a bad experience somewhere, which I obviously have had at various times in my life, I would try and ask the management why things went wrong. I would genuinely cut them some slack and find out the reason before loosing my already lost patience and going berserk on social media / other platforms. Wait, breath, ask, 'KNOW' and then react. Just because we have paid for a service doesn't mean we ridicule without even giving someone the benefit of doubt. Now, if the place/service has always been receiving negative reviews, one would still understand, but if it has had people appreciating it, then what's the harm in finding out what went wrong and why. For instance, If I happened to travel on a well regarded airline and incur a bad experience, I would reason and if after my reasoning I would not be given my due, even then, I would be critical of 'that experience', I would not go around shouting that XYZ Airline is the Worst and that No One Should ever travel with them or avail their services... why such hate?

Every member in the service industry puts everything of themselves in their jobs. They don't get Sunday's off, they don't get holidays on festivals.. they work round the clock. We are all sadly living a life that thrives on negative criticism because its fun to read. It's fun to make fun of others... it's a convenient way out.

Cut that poor cab driver some slack.. Just because he does not know a certain route does not make him a bad cab driver... He could be new to the place, this could be his first time driving a cab, who knows!! "My dish lacks XYZ ingredients", call the chef and ask him why instead of trying to make it National News! If the lift man seemed ignorant / rude, try doing what he does for a living for just 2 days and you'll probably know the reason for his behaviour. I mean really, how many of us even say 'thank you' to the lift man, to the office boy who does your odd jobs, and several others like them? How many of us even notice and acknowledge their existence?

I don't mean to prove a point to anyone by writing this, nor am I out to change anything. I just really feel that more people should start talking about this, spreading not just awareness but also sensitizing everyone against a mindless practice that just creates more and more ill will.

It's high time we calmed ourselves down and appreciate what we take for granted! 

Reflections : Noises of a silent mind!

What is the story behind those wrinkles around the eye? Do they know who they address when looking in the mirror? Or are they just silent spectators to a reflection of the body that carries them...?

Contemplations...thoughts...desires... Dreams! There is too much tension of too many words with too many syllables that the thoughts of the one in the reflection are screaming out... Too much for the wrinkles, around the forehead, to comprehend and act upon.... Slow down...breath..sink it in..reflect! 

A hazy reflection of the wrinkles now grows in the clamorous eyes of the one being reflected and just then...a sudden calm draws in consuming the noise of the silences between them, almost as though a truce has been made!  

Alas, can the two reflections..the two contrasting decibels of thoughts...ever be one? For if they were to consume each other, they would become oblivious of their own realities...!! 

Romancing the Tear!

One morning, that morning, this one... No wait, it was the one before that night.. or was it not? Guessing they were all the same... !!

Forcing itself out of the eyes, struggling for a grip on the eyelids, there are these tiny drops that are full of emotional thought and pain. Trying hard to kiss the cheek and brush away the smile that it holds, a sudden harmony hits the ear and turns that tear into a smile! 
Was it a sweet melody or a heart wrenching tune? The tear does not remember, it's only memory is that of sliding off the curve of the cheek, now lifted by a subtle smile! 

What followed was another drop, but it's reflection on the window spoke of a different story about this little one. This tiny tear seemed to be blushing as it sparkled and plunged right out, seeming almost too excited to get a clear sound of that musical note that now moved about seductively. But, each time the drop tried meeting the ditty, it was detoured by the gliding curve above the smile!

This helpless struggle went on for a while, until, this one tear, way too determined to be flown away, came out skirting the face and took a leap towards the direction of the music... A long and confident leap, this one was sure enough to glide right into the arms of that naughty tune that was acting too pricey, till now.

Whether or not they met, is a mystery, but if they did, i'm sure they would have had a steamy affair... A passionate togetherness and an eternal bond! Now, each time the eyes go wet, the dew in the eyes start smiling and glittering with the hope, that they may also, romance their way out of the bitterness that confines them!

 

The Mind that Ponders...!!

Amidst a fog of thoughts,

between the dew drops.. 

is a tiny me.. 

A me that does not let a chance go by, to think..!!

Understated or underrated.. how can I pose the question?
Right or wrong.. it all just seems like a big blur now!!

Take the left, or take the right.. my mind ponders..
and then a voice calls from inside.. 

"any way is "some way".. and you will eventually not see 50% of what you could have by taking a different route, so just follow your heart"

But what is it really that the heart looks for?
Love, friendship, work or something else?
who can tell .. !!

All I know is.. the divine seeks to intervene.. ALWAYS...!!
Is it good for me? or bad?? time will tell..

Yet alas, one can't always leave things to "time"...
as sometimes, its the lack of it that gets the better of us!!
  

Slumber thoughts...

She planned the night
with a blissful thought,
gazing into the mirror
reviewed the lesson taught.


It was midnight's call
that arranged the meeting,
to become one with one
and to grace the night's greeting.


Whilst the darkness thickened
with the black night sky,
She pondered over her life
to give it one last try.


Laying down on her bed, 
waiting for slumber to take her in,
She batted her eyes
and finally met the one within.


It was that time when
she had discovered her lost self,
with trickling due in her eyes
she had reached the last shelf.


It was the one that contained in it
all the sadness that she had once bought,
realizing her true worth
she had now the beauty and bliss that she once sought.


She was happiness engulfed
with a quench for more,
her questions all answered
as now she was sure

that it was time now
after her bitter strife,
that no one but her
held the strings to her life.